What's the one encryption Superman cannot break?
Crypto-nite
This is GRC presents
Cybersecurity Jokes
The funniest cybersecurity, InfoSec, and hacker jokes on the internet. Zero-day humor. Maximum impact.
Jokes: 100% human generatedThe collection
90 jokes, puns, and occupational hazards.
What's a bloodhound's favourite meal?
Kerberoast beef
Why does Justin Timberlake love the Network Time Protocol (NTP) so much?
Because it keeps your systems N Sync
What is an airport with bad cryptography called?
Plane text
What do hackers call a network of farting computers?
A butt-net
Why do developers struggle so much implementing OAuth?
Because it does not provide tokens of appreciation
Why are the Irish so good at asset management?
Because they label fast
What's the best place to buy computer viruses?
At the mallware
What happened to your files?
I dunno I guess they ran somewhere
Why would Darth Vader be such a bad database administrator?
Because he is terrible in sequels
What's an accountant's favorite response to an insult?
You suck too! (SOC 2)
If there are data subjects, why do we not have data verbs?
...
Where should you store your security event records?
In a logs cabin
How do security analysts break up their relationships?
They'll send you a RST packet
What type of Xmas cards do security analysts send?
nmap -sX -T
What can you tell a hacker that won't share his password cracking techniques?
Hash cats got your tongue
What is a security analyst's favourite breakfast?
WAFfles
Why would Billy Joel be a poor security analyst?
Because he didn't start the fire (wall)
What is a bookshelf for a security analyst?
Data at rest
How can you tell you're dating a security analyst?
Once things start to get serious you get a symmetric key
Why are security analysts so perplexed by birth certificates?
They don't have a public key
What do security analysts call their daughters?
LuCIA
Why do shipping companies hate security analysts?
Because their port scans find wide open containers
How long does it take for a security analyst to give birth?
No undue delay but shall not exceed 72 hours
How do security analysts call identical twins?
A hash collision
What's the difference between a security analyst and a dog?
One keeps sniffing all over the place, running after its tail, digging up in old places to drool over obscure findings. The other is a pet.
What is two dogs smelling each other's butts?
Mutual authentication
How do you call the locks on 221B Baker Street?
A detective access control
Why are InfoSec classes so boring?
Because they value high redundancy
Why do InfoSec folks only hang out with true pessimists?
Because they ignore false positives
Why do InfoSec people never sit in the central aisle on a plane?
Because they dread a man in the middle
What restaurant has InfoSec people all excited?
Taco-Bell-LaPadula
What is an InfoSec celibate?
Exclusive OR
What do you say when a security analyst extends his hand?
SYN-ACK
Why do all InfoSec specialists stop smoking?
Because they excel at patch management
Why do security analysts name their daughter Star?
Because they can ask a database to select *
How do security analysts clean their floors?
Ping sweeps
Why is Winnie the Pooh such a liability for InfoSec?
He keeps stealing the honey pots
I'm not late...
I'm doing a risk assessment
How many security analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
We have dual power supplies, UPS batteries, generators and a redundant hot site in every next city. Light bulbs DO NOT go out.
How do you call an InfoSec specialist with a background in psychology?
An insecurity analyst
What do you call a litigious lease contract?
In a rent risk (inherent risk)
What is the one medicine a security analyst would never take?
A SQL Injection
Why do security analysts frown upon dimly lit rooms?
They dread security through obscurity
How do security analysts break up online arguments?
Why Fight (WiFi)
What colour is a hacker's dining room table?
Rainbow
What is hackers' favourite video gameplay?
Open map (Nmap)
What's a hacker's favourite toy brand?
Fishers price
What's a hacker's favourite video game type?
Hack and dot dot slash
Why are cryptographers poor gardeners?
Because they require random seeds
What is a Céline Dion album stream called?
Data in emotion
Why does Lady Gaga not use Face ID?
Can't read her poker face
What is the result of a security analyst and statistician marriage?
Biometrics
What do you call a perfectly managed firewall?
Firewhole
What's the best quality for a TV show from InfoSec's perspective?
Integritty
How should you react when a security assessment is passed?
Applaudit
What should never be missing from your table when you meet a security analyst?
A salt
What should you do before creating an incident response plan?
Incident question plan
Why should you not hire security analysts in customer service?
Because they don't trust the client
Why are hackers renowned for their strong oblique muscles?
Because they do lateral movements
What is the security incident response favourite video game?
The SIEMs
What's the best job title for a security specialist?
Cybersecurity Information Architect (CIA)
Why are mummies the preferred spooky monster of InfoSec?
Because they are fully patched
Why don't security analysts have BFFs?
It's not a known acronym in the common body of knowledge
What is the favourite sushi of InfoSec?
Blowfish
What's a cryptography diet?
CaRC4
Why do they say InfoSec analysts are good at visiting caves?
Because they are good with spelunking (Splunking)
Who's the hackers' favourite Marvel character?
Tor
Why are hackers so impolite at the table?
They can't refrain from burping
How do you call a tribe of security analysts?
Infosect
Why do security analysts have so many children?
Because they dread Trojans
Why are hackers terrible guests at birthday parties?
Now they know your address and birthdate...
What's InfoSec's favourite car brand?
Toy OAuth a (Toyota)
Why do security analysts not go out naked?
Exposure factor must be minimized
What would happen if Discovery purchased the E-entertainment network?
E-discovery
What's the Kardashian's favourite encryption scheme?
Dee KIM (DKIM)
What's an angry security specialist?
CISSPissed
Why are hackers not stoners?
Because they pass the hash
Why are security analysts so poor?
Because there is no shift left
Who are the sworn enemies of hackers in the scientific community?
Entomologists, because hackers exploit bugs
Why are hackers terrible civil engineers?
Because they always build reverse tunnels
What is a rude gesture towards a hacker when organizing a party?
Inviting them with open doors
Why are hackers experts at telling the truth?
Because they always add OR 1=1 to every statement
Why are security analysts terrible for academia?
Because they want to take grants away
Why do security analysts always stomp on any mushrooms they see?
To prevent Smurf attacks
Where do hackers go on vacation?
On a phishing trip
Why do hackers live in placarded houses?
Because they keep breaking Windows
What do you call a team of laid-off security analysts?
Fired wall
When do pentesters shine the most?
At the hackinox
What do you call the training of an entry-level cybersecurity analyst?
Entryption
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Fun With Acronyms
Entirely unofficial alternative meanings from the original collection.
| Acronym | What it obviously means |
|---|---|
| 3DES | 3 Dogs Enforce Security |
| AES | Astronauts Enter Space |
| API | Artificial Paradisiac Immersion |
| BCP | Buy Cheese Pizza |
| BGP | Bagels Getting Poached |
| CISSP | Chatting In Some Sordid Place |
| CPTED | Calamitous Prequel Targaryens Eradicate Dragons |
| CVE | Crypto Volatility Event |
| CVSS | Can Vampires Stop Sucking |
| DDoS | Doubling Down on Serendipity |
| DKIM | Disturbed Kingdom Inhabits Mordor |
| EDR | Embracing Disco Robes |
| GDPR | Gotta Do Pull Requests |
| ICMP | In Case Money Plummets |
| ICMP | Infant Care Means Persistence |
| IRP | Inherent Risk Plagiarized |
| MODEM | Millions Of Dinosaurs Encountered Meteorites |
| NAT | Numerous Arbitrary Tantrums |
| NTP | Ninja Turtles Prohibited |
| OCTAVE | One Criteria To Acknowledge Vulnerabilities Exist |
| OSPF | Overjoyed Siblings Performing Flossing |
| PKI | Pete Kim Intercourse |
| RDP | Randomly Dressed Pizza |
| RPC | Readily Popping Calc.exe |
| RSA | Reached Self Awareness |
| SABSA | Squash All Bathroom Soap Aggressively |
| SMTP | Siblings Mutineers Threatening Parents |
| SQL | Stop Quelling Lamas |
| SSO | Sabotage Scholarly Ornithology |
| TKIP | Twitching Kittens Ingesting Printers |
| VLAN | Vigourous Laxative Annhilated Nuptials |
| XDR | eXplicit Daily Routine |
| XSS | Xponential Sanitization Stress |
| YAML | You Are My Love |
🏝️ OSI Model — One Sunny Island
Layer 1 SFP — Stranded Forever Panicked 😱 Layer 2 MAC — Multiple Animals Crossing 🦧 Layer 2.5 ARP — Always Ready Prowling 🦁 Layer 3 IGMP — I Gather My Provisions Layer 4 UDP — Under Dominant Parrots 🦜 Layer 5 RPC — Running Past Cannibals Layer 6 JPEG — Joined Per Elegant Gatherers Layer 7 SMTP — Seems My Time Passed